A Time Capsule

I seem to be having this conversation with so many of my beloveds lately. We ask ourselves how it can be that we thought we had to push our bodies to every unkind corner of discipline before realizing that it wasn't worth it.

My sister. A gifted and extremely well-trained runner.
My good friend. A long-time lifting afficionado.
My friend of a friend. Struggling to do things "right".
Me.

How is it that people who are able to give so much to others are hardly able to give to themselves? What possesses us to believe that there are certain and limited channels to expressing our fitness, our energy and our identities? And what (in heaven's freaking name) has compelled us to believe that we are somehow deserving of anything less than honour, respect and love?

I have a theory. Let me preface this by saying that all of my hypothesizing and contemplation is based on anecdotal stuff, but that my experiences of speaking with others on this topic lends some critical mass to its validity.

My body is a time capsule. Everything I do/don't do gets stored away in its memory. When I eat amazing food and surround myself with incredible people, it remembers and projects out a light that illuminates me from the inside out. When I criticize it and express my dislike for it - or worse, act on my disliking/criticism - it remembers. In fact, it's those repeated criticisms that led me to think that I had to work harder than anyone else in the gym, that I had to restrict myself further than anyone else with my food, that I had to withhold affection until certain performance and aesthetic metrics were met.
Well, like any time capsule, these memories and experiences have been dug up and seeing them now, on the surface, I understand why it is that my body asked - nay - demanded this injury. And though I did not have the courtesy to do so at the onset, I thank it now for dealing me a relatively good card, considering how mercilessly I used to push it.

Lots of us are into regimented training. Whether it's for a road race, competitive/university sports or just for the love of training hard. I think that's awesome, and one of the things I have learned over the years of lifting weights is that I needed to move beyond (silently) criticizing what other people do in the gym and just be really glad that people want to express themselves in an active way. I've moved from admiring the "fittest" looking people ("fit" by contemporary standards) to admiring the older population who swim, walk, lift weights, do tai chi, or whatever it is that keeps them alive and connected to their worlds.

So, when do we make the switch from kicking our own asses because we think we're somehow deficient (this blog may have just moved from family rating to PG) to working hard at what feels good because we deserve it?
At some point, I think that a lot of us realize that we are trying to change ourselves, not because it's a result of how we live and what we do, but because we're trying to make ourselves into something different - something better. Don't get me wrong, the quest to be better is fulfilling and often really constructive, but I think that we need to ask ourselves whether that change arises from a desire to be good to ourselves, or a desire to change a body and person that we feel is ultimately deficient or lacking in some way...

A good friend of mine has been working out at the gym for many years, and recently shared with me his realization that he was trying to heal his injuries in the same environment and culture where they were created. I can absolutely relate to this - it's no surprise that despite being a bit resentful about my injury at first, I felt sick to my stomach whenever I thought about running or lifting weights. I realized that regimented exercise just wasn't good for my health anymore. As my friend so eloquently put it:

"The gym has served me well. But my injuries are a result of having drunk too deeply of that culture, of having persisted in one mind set (and insufficiently different variations of it) for too long and in the face of counsel and protestations from my poor body.
Perhaps it is time to find...another vehicle"

It's so inspiring to see other people looking to more creative, vast and spontaneous venues - not to make their bodies look, feel or perform a certain way - but to express themselves on bikes, boats, swims, runs, through stretching or dancing - however they crave. Ultimately, the way we spend our moments is the way we spend our lives. I don't think I will ever be able to spend my moments doing things to force improvement on myself. I'm so heartbroken at the things I've put myself through in the past. I deprived my body of sleep, entire food groups, rest and expression. I just trained it. I didn't take it out to dinner, I didn't woo it with positive feedback and I don't think it would be entirely a stretch to say that I abused it. These are some of my greatest regrets, but with them comes a sense of fearlessness about all of the new things I can try. Certain foods and experiences feel new to me again. I am finally happy enough with the joy of swimming that I can float in the pool for 30 minutes, instead of lamenting how I look in a bathing suit. This doesn't mean that I don't love testing my limits in everything I do, but it's the intention that drives that desire that needed a fundamental makeover.

We all deserve the best of what we can give ourselves. If we really want to help other people see the genuine goodness in themselves; to lead meaningful and positive lives; to be the change we wish to see, I think that a good starting point is right here, right now, with ourselves.

I write this blog out of a love for writing and creative expression and not for publicity, marketing or even necessarily a response. I would normally not ask this, but because this post stirs immense emotion, passion and necessity, if this post has resonated with even a tiny voice in you, please leave a comment. Nothing generates energy within me than the realization that so many of us need to know that we aren't alone in thinking that we need to be better, look better and are somehow better for the process and outcome of those desires. But you know what? We need to work together. The crisis of our time, in our corner of the world starts at home, in our hearts, in how we treat and regard ourselves.