"They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,'come down now,' but we'll stay..."
- The Postal Service, "Such Great Heights"
Wilcox Pass, Jasper National Park
Fancy gear does not a hiker make, but a sense of awe and respect for the mighty, majestic and mountainous will get you far (in terms of enjoyment, elevation and mileage). I used to think that, like everything else in life, I was no good at hiking because I had never done it - not exactly rocket science, but I've always been comfortable doing the things that express my best, but this attitude really limited me and limited the experiences possible for me. Over time, I realized something a lot more important: like anything else (sports, school, cooking, photography, etc.) what makes a "good" X is love. People who make it up the mountain rely on a certain requisite degree of fitness, but it's love for the process that gets you up the mountain. At the end of the day, I don't want to climb that mountain unless I'm climbing it with some measure of love and joy.
(Side note: these photos are not an entirely random selection. We spent this past weekend in Jasper National Park, hiking and camping in some of the most spectacular panorama you can imagine.)
Near the summit of Wilcox Peak, Jasper National Park
I realize now that I've been this way about so many things in my life. I always thought past the present, and visualized how happy I would be when I got to that body-destination. I thought about how great life would be when I achieved a certain level of athleticism/aesthetic appeal/level of education. I can see now how I managed to squander away the joy in so many journeys by focusing on Point B. It's just too easy.
I used to put conditions on my happiness. "I'll be happy when I look like ___" or "I'll be happy when I get ___% on my paper"- type of thinking really ruled my state of mind and life for a while. It wasn't a switch that went on (or off), or even any kind of realization, but just a slow, gentle push toward loving myself and respecting my need for a purposeful life that has nudged me out of this outcome-based thinking. Do I have goals? Sure. But I really feel like the things that I aspire to grow out of a love for certain activities. For instance, I really want to be able to XC-ski and snowshoe regularly this upcoming winter and be healthy/fit enough do a backpacking trip next year, but those are things that I can work toward with joy in my heart. I want to finish my M.A in under 2 years, which is something I can do with enthusiasm (fear, anxiety and exhaustion).
It's so funny to think that at the time when I was most torn, bruised and tormented on the inside, people seemed to think that I was perfect. I worked so hard to maintain that image and though I genuinely did work hard (maybe too hard), and that's the point - it was work. As I sorted through a lot of these questions and issues, I decided that I didn't want to be valued for being infallible or disciplined, I wanted to be loved and respected for being gentle and fierce in pursuit of my own models of justice, work and love. I realized that by hardening myself and working to make myself better (better being a destination that I couldn't realize until I got to point B), no one would ever come to me for advice, confide in me or trust that I could understand their feelings. Because I never wanted to show weakness, fear or uncertainty, I closed myself off from ever appearing to need support. Then, when I needed it, it came as a shock and surprise to everyone that I had been so unsure of myself all along.
The best thing that has come out of the dark times that followed is that I feel real. I feel unsure. I feel excited. I feel blessed and grateful. I feel fat some days. I feel lucky. I feel stupid and smart (sometimes all at once) and I feel confused. It's because I can feel those things now (denial and fear of one's self are amazing emotional anaesthetics) that I can finally talk, give and receive with others in these discussions. Having people to talk to about real problems, real concerns, real happiness and real life is worth the risk we take when are open to our truths. I really think that this is a necessary step and condition to fulfil in order to see the changes we crave in our lives and to cultivate a culture of knowledge that stems from honesty and truth-oriented living rather than from fixed models of perfection. I know, sounds utopian, but I'm an unapologetic optimist.
What a refreshing lack of self-consciousness: these guys have no problem eating and pooping in front of us.
Don't even get me started on the water metaphors (Malign Canyon, Jasper National Park)
It's so true that, using the mean machine of comparison, "everything looks perfect from far away", which is why sometimes you need to get closer, you need to get scared, you need to go where you think you aren't ready to go and to look things/people/places and revel in their imperfection. That, after all, is the one thing we all have in common.
Why do we make it so hard for ourselves to be real? Any thoughts?
