Beautiful Goodbye

Dear Injury,

We were never really formally introduced because I first denied your existence before deciding to finally make room for both of us in this sometimes cramped living space. I mean, 5'6" is not a lot of living space for two big egos (and sometimes even one). While we're adding insult to injury, the very nature of your essence forced upon me the somewhat less-than-desirable reference of "pubes" during my many athletic therapy sessions. The presence of a stress fracture in the pelvis does sufficient damage in causing me to consider the possibility that I've actually lived to be my reciprocal age (72)!

It's been 10 months since my athletic therapist suggested that you and I meet up, and I admit that I was nervous. I mean, what was I going to wear? What were we going to have in common and what could we gab about, now that I had been yanked off the roster in my final season and handed (what seemed to amount to) an athletic death sentence? This diagnosis essentially robbed me of my usual (though largely ineffective) charms, and what kind of first impression could I have established, given the circumstances?

Now, let's not ignore the pink elephant in the room: before we even made our relationship official, we were living together for about 4-5 years...at least that's what the bone scan seemed to indicate. I mean, it's not like we were doing anything wrong...right? But thinking on it now, what kind of a co-habitant(e) was I? I was vaguely aware of your presence, and still snuck out to run and play field hockey in the evenings. I knew that you could tell from the pain that I was in an abusive relationship, and you did try to warn me about what would happen if we (FH and I) didn't take a break. Well, when I finally heard you, I winced and realized that I had to conceded to the inevitable "I told you so" and move on.

So, now that we've got that out in the open, and we've become so well-acquainted (despite sleeping at opposite ends of my proverbial/corporeal bed), let's me take a few minutes to tell you what I've learned in 10 months of (officially) living together.

1. I never meant to ignore your calls, but the call of ego, passion and habit is just so alluring and seductive that it kept me from really listening to what you were telling me.

2. We may have made our peace, but now that I feel healed, I realize now how much I needed you.

3. Although I cried so many nights, lying awake, wishing your demise, you taught me the meaning of unconditional love and never left me alone.

4. By overcoming my stress fracture, I did not defeat you. I earned your respect and my independence from you.

5. Trying to figure out who I am (through things other than what I do) is a journey in which you have been a necessary and helpful guardian.

6. If we ever meet again, remember to remind me to remind you that you said "I told you so" and bonk me on the head (but not too hard, I've already broken this nose once and I'm practically in the negative with my concussion record).

7. We're going hiking in Banff tomorrow, and there isn't any room in the car for you.

Seeing you move out, over these past few months has been oddly difficult. I was actually getting comfortable having you around. We shared many still days, sleepless nights and frank discussions. You taught me what it means to listen and you even mediated the ever-improving relationship wounds that I'd been trying to mend with my body. I feel that, like everything, your lifespan within my own is finite, but I won't let you go without thanking you for speaking up for me when I wouldn't speak up for myself. To keep the best part of you alive, I will never stand by while a lesser part of me allows injustice toward myself or let any other person believe that they are deserving of anything inferior to the highest standard of health and happiness that we, together, can achieve.

Making A Molehill out of a Mountain

Sometimes the ripple effect of honesty is modest, and other times, it can be the first snowflake in a snowfall revolution. After reading Jenna's post on her own experiences with injury and life change, I thought to myself that perhaps it's time to get down one level lower and talk about some of the peripheral but very real aspects of injury.

So, let's all leave our berets at the door. Grab a cup of something delicious to drink and let's talk shop, ladies and gentlemen.

I have faced the injury demon before, but something I have learned (through unfortunately too much experience) is that the more you "battle" and vilify your injuries, the harder it is to heal. But pure recovery aside, I think that for a lot us (myself certainly included) is contending with inactivity and the feeling of lethargy - maybe even a modest snugness of the jeans - and feeling OK with that. Now that, my friends, is tough(er) stuff.

I can tell you this: as recently as a year and a half ago, I would have let this injury turn into an excuse to regiment my eating (to offset the caloric surplus from rest) and felt powerless over my body. It is so easy feel that way! In fact, I think that is exactly the way to emerge from an injury none the wiser :/
As Jenna mentioned in her post, active or not, a great quality of life is worth the extra couple of lbs you might gain. I could not agree more. Sure, I feel a bit "closer" to my jeans after 2 weeks of no exercise, but I also feel like continuing to eat great, nourishing food and occasional treats in good company is a blessing. I feel that telling myself that I should somehow restrict my food intake is like punishing my body when what it needs most is care! Sure, I often wish that I could get out for a long, sweaty yoga session or a heart-pounding session in the weight room, or even just a nice long walk, but I (sometimes with difficulty, other times without) remind myself that the real rewards of rest require patience.

You know, I live with someone who has fairly significant energy needs and from time to time, I forget that I have my own metric for fullness and just eat alongside him until well beyond my comfort zone. When I am training 2x a day and competing on weekends, eating beyond my limit is no better/less deceptive than doing so when I am mostly inactive. The point I am making is that I have always been able to justify making food choices based on my activity level, but now I want to continue to make choices based on my moment-to-moment needs. I realize how floofy that sounds, but much like my deliberate non-diet leading up to my wedding, I am similarly choosing to acknowledge the challenge of viewing food and body in the present moment and not letting exogenous variables (like intensity of exercise) dictate my choices, or override my intuition. In fact, I am taking a cue from Miss Jenna and making a conscious choice (yet again) not to change anything about my way of living that feels good in the best of times. So yes, I am definitely still eating oats in a jar, at every possible opportunity!


This won't be easy (not the oats - I could eat those at every meal, I am talking about the metaJaya stuff), but I am really committed to emerging from my injury empowered. It is hard to abstain from what you love, but it is even worse to spend that time lamenting your circumstances. I am really proud of myself for moving through these weeks (and the 2 weeks ahead before I can do any exercise) with a heart full of self-love. Of course there are times when I wonder if I should have eaten something really treaty, or when I think that I should have just had more veggies, but I continue to return to a great lesson from my friend Alison: true health is being able to find balance and knowledge within you, when everything around you feels upside down. Another question I can turn to when I feel a bit turbulent inside is, "how would I care for a child in this situation?" This usually (but not always!) saves me from overeating, under eating or mindless eating.

It used to be that since sport was the focal point of my life, when it was down, my whole self and life felt down. Now, I feel that this is just a small set back that affects a small part of what I do and how I spend my time, and not only does it provide me with more time and energy for loved ones, school, leisure, etc., but whether I emerge from my injury at +/- 5lbs, I will not have sacrificed any of the special moments that helped me get through it. Does that mean eating all of the sweets in sight? No. It means not missing out on celebrating life with the best quality of food possible, and surrounded by great people.. whether that means sharing carrot sticks or carrot cake! Being good to your body on a daily basis means (by definition and extension) that you never have to "off-set" or "compensate for" anything! Erm, I know, easier said than done, but I am more than halfway from fake it to make it, so I'm going with it!

I know that time off is hard... believe me, I do. I am sure that I will return to this sounding board to vent about feeling soft, or having restless energy, but we will get through that when the time comes. In the meantime, let's raise a cup of tea to the good life; one that moves through and with the tough stuff.

What is the hardest part of dealing with injury or set backs for you? Do you revert to certain behavior patterns or thoughts?

Inward Bound!

I can't seem to escape discussions on confidence in my life these days. All around me, in everything I do, my usual inner monologues on confidence are being supplemented by all kinds of events and conversations about how to channel belief.
I'm certainly not an expert on self-esteem, but I am a certified expert on me, and maybe a few tips on how I channel my confidence and use it to guide me toward my goals with a sense of choice, empowerment and purpose might interest you.

I have always been a skilled and strong field hockey player, but my weakness has been inconsistent confidence. Before I felt like a real impact player, I had to start asking myself, "How would I look and what would I be thinking if I were the best?"
Since we know that we can control our thoughts and actions, but less so our feelings, I used my thoughts and actions to gradually bring about a change in my beliefs. Although I didn't believe in myself at first, I just to use the "fake it till you make it" method!

1) Affirmations
Although it felt a bit awkward at first, I began to write affirmations almost nightly in my journal. I would write them in huge caps and then read them aloud to myself. I read them as if I was reading a story, with as much persuasive tone as I could. I also started leaving them in places where I commonly visited (washroom mirror, my day planner, desk, etc.) kind of like a personal operation beautiful!
Friends, you know, it's hard to say when, but I felt a current of empowerment starting to flow within me. It was this practice of regular affirmations that enabled me to count on myself for consolation, comfort and inspiration from within. I guess you could say that I found myself switching from an outer to an inner locus of control.

2) Body language
In 2 ways (among many others) yoga helped me to transform the language I used with myself and the way in which I communicated through my body. Regular quiet time with myself helped me to learn to honor my body. It is true for everyone that we have things we'd sometimes like to change about our physical selves, but it is also true that our bodies are incredible vectors for beauty and health! In tandem with affirmations, I turned fiction to fact and learned to treat my body with respect through more balanced eating (with room for treats!), more rest and stillness and by cultivating more awareness through quiet time, meditation or yoga. In terms of emitting these signals to others, I made a conscious effort to improve my posture..which has not only helped with my nagging SI joint pain immensely, but has helped me to become a more commanding athlete in the presence of my opponents.

3) Disconnecting self-confidence through success
It used to be that great games, praise from others, good grades and and excessively busy schedule (which, looking back, was excessive down to the double-s) fueled my confidence. I relied on "success" (which I defined as tangible outcomes) to feel good about myself. This path to burn out was swift and merciless and before I knew it, I was too physically and emotionally drained to even leave my bed. I hit rock bottom and had to re-evaluate every aspect of my life and how I conceptualized my self (and self-worth). It took a few years of slowing down and learning to use my "doings" as expressions of my identity - rather than determinants of it - that ultimately has led me to a better place. When I do pursue a lofty undertaking now, it is because I know that I have the tools and support to do so with passion and pleasure, rather than deriving a false sense of worth from completing the task. This way, when things get shifty, I don't get shifty with them!

4) Confidence through Osmosis
Surrounding yourself with people who love and care for themselves and their loved ones with a genuine sense of gratitude is an inspiring and effortless way to begin cultivating your confidence. I have found that in particular, seniors tend to be great role models for this type of behaviour. While I was out with a stress fracture, I felt genuinely healed in the presence of older people at the pool, who exercised with enjoyment and who often spoke with gratitude for the longevity and vitality of their bodily health. When you spend time with someone who emulates belief and confidence, know that your presence brings something valuable and seek to see yourself through the same powerful lens.

Thought process: "Manski would not have brought me here if he didnt' think I could jump. So I'm going to juuuuuuummm...."


5) Confidence Playlist
Believe it or not, I have a collection of morning songs that really make me feel uplifted. I love listening to these songs anytime I need that extra shot of inspiration. They have tunes or lyrics that really resonate with my personal code of living and never fail to bring me up when I'm having inner thunderstorms.


What helps you get your glow on? Do you have tips or tricks for bringing yourself up on a down day, or a story of how you came to believe in yourself? I would love to hear it!