Beautiful Goodbye

Dear Injury,

We were never really formally introduced because I first denied your existence before deciding to finally make room for both of us in this sometimes cramped living space. I mean, 5'6" is not a lot of living space for two big egos (and sometimes even one). While we're adding insult to injury, the very nature of your essence forced upon me the somewhat less-than-desirable reference of "pubes" during my many athletic therapy sessions. The presence of a stress fracture in the pelvis does sufficient damage in causing me to consider the possibility that I've actually lived to be my reciprocal age (72)!

It's been 10 months since my athletic therapist suggested that you and I meet up, and I admit that I was nervous. I mean, what was I going to wear? What were we going to have in common and what could we gab about, now that I had been yanked off the roster in my final season and handed (what seemed to amount to) an athletic death sentence? This diagnosis essentially robbed me of my usual (though largely ineffective) charms, and what kind of first impression could I have established, given the circumstances?

Now, let's not ignore the pink elephant in the room: before we even made our relationship official, we were living together for about 4-5 years...at least that's what the bone scan seemed to indicate. I mean, it's not like we were doing anything wrong...right? But thinking on it now, what kind of a co-habitant(e) was I? I was vaguely aware of your presence, and still snuck out to run and play field hockey in the evenings. I knew that you could tell from the pain that I was in an abusive relationship, and you did try to warn me about what would happen if we (FH and I) didn't take a break. Well, when I finally heard you, I winced and realized that I had to conceded to the inevitable "I told you so" and move on.

So, now that we've got that out in the open, and we've become so well-acquainted (despite sleeping at opposite ends of my proverbial/corporeal bed), let's me take a few minutes to tell you what I've learned in 10 months of (officially) living together.

1. I never meant to ignore your calls, but the call of ego, passion and habit is just so alluring and seductive that it kept me from really listening to what you were telling me.

2. We may have made our peace, but now that I feel healed, I realize now how much I needed you.

3. Although I cried so many nights, lying awake, wishing your demise, you taught me the meaning of unconditional love and never left me alone.

4. By overcoming my stress fracture, I did not defeat you. I earned your respect and my independence from you.

5. Trying to figure out who I am (through things other than what I do) is a journey in which you have been a necessary and helpful guardian.

6. If we ever meet again, remember to remind me to remind you that you said "I told you so" and bonk me on the head (but not too hard, I've already broken this nose once and I'm practically in the negative with my concussion record).

7. We're going hiking in Banff tomorrow, and there isn't any room in the car for you.

Seeing you move out, over these past few months has been oddly difficult. I was actually getting comfortable having you around. We shared many still days, sleepless nights and frank discussions. You taught me what it means to listen and you even mediated the ever-improving relationship wounds that I'd been trying to mend with my body. I feel that, like everything, your lifespan within my own is finite, but I won't let you go without thanking you for speaking up for me when I wouldn't speak up for myself. To keep the best part of you alive, I will never stand by while a lesser part of me allows injustice toward myself or let any other person believe that they are deserving of anything inferior to the highest standard of health and happiness that we, together, can achieve.

On Nourishment: Feeding Your Body Means Feeding Your Heart

Manski and I are celebrating our more-official-but-slightly-less-symbolic wedding anniversary today; on this day (around this time) last year, we had our civil ceremony at city hall, before tying the know in front of our friends and family a few days later at our actual wedding. But seriously folks, one year puts us ahead of 99% of Hollywood marriages. Kinda sad, eh?

I don't normally use this place as a platform for showcasing photos of myself, but we really did have some amazing photographers and I paid good money for these, so I may as well pass on the spoils and the good publicity!

Manski is anything but typical - he's 6'6" and intensely fit and strong, he has an amazing work ethic and sense of neatness, he is supremely comfortable with his masculinity (and defines it according to his own terms) and he loves flowery and/or fruity smelling bath products. We are so intensely different in how we express ourselves, but here is what I really want to say:

I have helped Manski open his mind to new foods, new sociological/political ideas and perhaps some fashion trends, but what I have gained from him is immensely more valuable; Manski has taught me to quiet down, and open my eyes and ears.

I think that for any of us who can accept that we are (for better or for worse) overthinkers, it's scary to get out of our minds and be guided by our senses. But I realize now how critical this has been in helping me to appreciate and respect food (and my boundaries with it), the environment and even other people. But let's back up for a moment, shall we, and check out what this has to do food.

Old married couple.

In my About Me page, I talk a little bit about a post-nutrition perspective on food. Now, this is a concept that I'm just beginning to explore/develop in my (modest, humble, rookie) research, but I'm proposing while nutrition has offered us some incredible insights on a particular set of function, values and model for organizing food knowledge, it has also displaced - for many people - the merits of other forms of food knowledge, like culture, traditional medicines, agrarian histories, etc.

Most importantly (I'm going to go ahead and say it *deep breath*) I'm interested in what happens when we explore a way of thinking about food that is based on the other N-word: nourishment.

What if we can look at an eating experience as a whole - rather than as simply the sum of its nutrients/micro and macro attributes - as endowed with non-nutrition health value. What I'm essentially getting at is asking ourselves whether it is better to eat a plate of egg whites and steamed broccoli all alone versus eating a piece of chocolate cake in good company. This approach to thinking about food balances food "value" with the social, cultural, emotional and aesthetic "value" of a particular eating experience. I'm not suggesting a dualist view - that it has to be either bland "healthy" food or treats eaten at a celebration, but rather, taking into account the broader view of what makes a meal nourishing.

Nourishing yourself means looking at yourself as a whole, looking at your life and its constituent moments as a whole and asking yourself how this experience can nourish your life. When we talk about the either/or of "healthy" eating and the conflict between delicious and healthy eating (which I think a lot of people are starting to realize can be conflated into a single notion) and combine this idea with nourishment, we not only start to look at real food in terms of its taste, appearance, texture and origin, but we seek to enhance and celebrate those qualities by making delicious food. But let's not stop there - nourishment means eating in silence, or in great company; eating by candlelight, or sunlight; eating on a special plate, or maybe with your hands; plating or not plating your food in particular ways, etc.

Great food and great eating experiences nourish your body, your mind, your soul, your intellect and your heart. This is something that, protein, carbs and fat cannot achieve by their lonesome.

We are so much more than the sum of our meals, so why not make the sum of our meals something greater than just the basic carbon building blocks of each food we've consumed? Manski has taught me, in these five years (and especially in the last one) that eating well means understanding that something otherwise characterized as "unhealthy" can be enjoyed with a sense of happiness and gratitude if the context is right. When we first met, I hardly knew how to stray from the few safe foods I knew, while he had the amazing ability (or so it seemed to me) to eat well and yet find space for delicious treats in his life. I actually wrote a whole article on our first date (in food terms) here. I realized that it wasn't the chase for the elusive perfect body or even highly moderated eating that I wanted in my life, but a sense of worth, value, importance and love that was divorced from all of those very things.

It took as many years, but I have learned that it's really a sense of nourishment that I've been after, all along. I want to feel nourished at school, in my family life, through my friendships, at the table and in through my connection to my community. I realize now that when I ate "healthiest" (i.e in a more restricted, moderated and regulated manner), I was least nourished. Sure, there are still mornings when I rush through a smoothie or gobble down my green tea, but on balance, I find time and space within me and around me to enjoy my meals. Sometimes, that just means putting my books aside while I'm sitting at a study cubicle and focusing on the lunch that I took time to pack. That, my friends, is nourishment.

You know, while we're on this topic, let me add one more thing. I used to take photos of my food and post them on this blog. I do indulge in food photography, but much less than I used to. A big part of committing to staying in the present has arisen from looking at my food, enjoying the experience of it and putting the camera down. I just want to commit myself 100% to whatever I'm doing. It used to bother Manski when I took photos of so much of what I bought/made/ate and now I understand that part of enjoying the sanctity of a meal requires me to see it through my own eyes and not the constructed ocular of the camera. Canon makes beautiful photos, and I do occasionally play dinner table papparazzi, but it's becoming more and more rare.

Simple, sauteed vegetables with sea salt and avocado oil and quinoa cooked in white wine with guyere.

The last thing I want to say on this topic (for now) is that the "comfort" in comfort foods comes from more than just what you eat. Mashed potatoes and homemade macaroni and cheese are hard to enjoy when, somewhere in your heart and mind, you are scared to enjoy them. The more "no holds barred" I get with my eating, the better I eat. I don't eat "perfectly" and (for me) that's the whole point! I think that all of this - discussions on nourishment vs. nutrition, intuitive eating and recovering from disordered eating - all stems from a single commitment: self-trust. When you love and trust yourself enough to let go, you don't have to be scared that your body will ask for the wrong things. You don't need control when you have trust. You don't need food scales, diet plans, calorie parameters or anything like that. Sometimes too much information can get in the way of knowing and learning yourself. In the economy of self-worth, it's up to each one of us decide where the real currency lies. In my case, I has invested all of my worth in food and the returns on that investment were... none.

It has often been said all philosophy since The Republic is a footnote to Plato, and while I think that can be debated until the grass-fed cows come home, one thing Socrates said about the foundation of all examination, questioning and learning is that it begins with a single, formidable task:

"Know thyself".

Such Great Heights

"They will see us waving from such great

Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say

But everything looks perfect from far away,'come down now,' but we'll stay..."

- The Postal Service, "Such Great Heights"

Wilcox Pass, Jasper National Park

Fancy gear does not a hiker make, but a sense of awe and respect for the mighty, majestic and mountainous will get you far (in terms of enjoyment, elevation and mileage). I used to think that, like everything else in life, I was no good at hiking because I had never done it - not exactly rocket science, but I've always been comfortable doing the things that express my best, but this attitude really limited me and limited the experiences possible for me. Over time, I realized something a lot more important: like anything else (sports, school, cooking, photography, etc.) what makes a "good" X is love. People who make it up the mountain rely on a certain requisite degree of fitness, but it's love for the process that gets you up the mountain. At the end of the day, I don't want to climb that mountain unless I'm climbing it with some measure of love and joy.

(Side note: these photos are not an entirely random selection. We spent this past weekend in Jasper National Park, hiking and camping in some of the most spectacular panorama you can imagine.)

Near the summit of Wilcox Peak, Jasper National Park

I realize now that I've been this way about so many things in my life. I always thought past the present, and visualized how happy I would be when I got to that body-destination. I thought about how great life would be when I achieved a certain level of athleticism/aesthetic appeal/level of education. I can see now how I managed to squander away the joy in so many journeys by focusing on Point B. It's just too easy.

I used to put conditions on my happiness. "I'll be happy when I look like ___" or "I'll be happy when I get ___% on my paper"- type of thinking really ruled my state of mind and life for a while. It wasn't a switch that went on (or off), or even any kind of realization, but just a slow, gentle push toward loving myself and respecting my need for a purposeful life that has nudged me out of this outcome-based thinking. Do I have goals? Sure. But I really feel like the things that I aspire to grow out of a love for certain activities. For instance, I really want to be able to XC-ski and snowshoe regularly this upcoming winter and be healthy/fit enough do a backpacking trip next year, but those are things that I can work toward with joy in my heart. I want to finish my M.A in under 2 years, which is something I can do with enthusiasm (fear, anxiety and exhaustion).

It's so funny to think that at the time when I was most torn, bruised and tormented on the inside, people seemed to think that I was perfect. I worked so hard to maintain that image and though I genuinely did work hard (maybe too hard), and that's the point - it was work. As I sorted through a lot of these questions and issues, I decided that I didn't want to be valued for being infallible or disciplined, I wanted to be loved and respected for being gentle and fierce in pursuit of my own models of justice, work and love. I realized that by hardening myself and working to make myself better (better being a destination that I couldn't realize until I got to point B), no one would ever come to me for advice, confide in me or trust that I could understand their feelings. Because I never wanted to show weakness, fear or uncertainty, I closed myself off from ever appearing to need support. Then, when I needed it, it came as a shock and surprise to everyone that I had been so unsure of myself all along.

The best thing that has come out of the dark times that followed is that I feel real. I feel unsure. I feel excited. I feel blessed and grateful. I feel fat some days. I feel lucky. I feel stupid and smart (sometimes all at once) and I feel confused. It's because I can feel those things now (denial and fear of one's self are amazing emotional anaesthetics) that I can finally talk, give and receive with others in these discussions. Having people to talk to about real problems, real concerns, real happiness and real life is worth the risk we take when are open to our truths. I really think that this is a necessary step and condition to fulfil in order to see the changes we crave in our lives and to cultivate a culture of knowledge that stems from honesty and truth-oriented living rather than from fixed models of perfection. I know, sounds utopian, but I'm an unapologetic optimist.

What a refreshing lack of self-consciousness: these guys have no problem eating and pooping in front of us.

Don't even get me started on the water metaphors (Malign Canyon, Jasper National Park)

It's so true that, using the mean machine of comparison, "everything looks perfect from far away", which is why sometimes you need to get closer, you need to get scared, you need to go where you think you aren't ready to go and to look things/people/places and revel in their imperfection. That, after all, is the one thing we all have in common.

Why do we make it so hard for ourselves to be real? Any thoughts?

The Empowerment Zone

I am an earth baby (Taurus to the core), but having a geologist in your life means that two things are for certain: you will never be far from rocks, and stating "facts" requires quantification.

This is The Three Sisters Range in Canmore, AB (photographed by yours truly)

Seriously though, a lot of the recent visits to mountainous territory have been photo escapades and visitor galavants. The more time I spend in the mountains, the more I realize how worthy they are of all the many references they merit in metaphors. Climbing a mountain requires well, climbing, aspirations, commitment, strength, belief, rest, respect and lots of snacks. So really, I can see how, on many scales, climbing a mountain requires a lot of the same thing (on a micro scale) as leading a meaningful life. In fact, I climbed my first post-injury summit today with Manski (did I mention that I've been cleared by my sports medicine doctor and even been hiking a few times?!) and thought about this all along the way.

But you know what doesn't seem to get as much press? The descent. Getting to the top is tough, don't get me wrong, but where you really find yourself tested is on the way down. You have to find the balance of control and relaxation to avoid slipping/falling and this allows for a greater measure of respect for what is involved in the slow descent toward the ground.

I'm entertaining the possibility of another drawn out metaphor here...

I was chatting with my sister the other day and we were talking about how easy it is to talk about being balanced when you cannot have what you crave, but that the true test of balance is in how you use/misuse item X (in this case, exercise) when you are granted unfettered, unlimited access. For me, this has been the challenge of late. I climbed to the top of Mt.Stress Fracture and conquered its summit; I went to physio three times a week, did my rehab exercises every morning and stuck faithfully to the allowances and restrictions on exercise. Getting the news that I was cleared, I was on top of the world. I felt all of the momentum of my rehabilitated body pushing me toward swimming, yoga, hiking, walking and weight training and that's when I realized how easy it would be for me to go tumbling back down that road toward injury, if I didn't respect the way back down the mountain. Manski is great for reminding me not to overdo it, and to take rest days in between my activity. The temptation to just get out there and express my physical self is overwhelming sometimes and because there were restrictions on it, I now feel an intense desire to walk or be active in each moment of the day to make up for lost time, to walk for the sake of walking, to get my body "back on track". Then it hits me (not unlike an avalanche - to comply with the metaphor) that I don't need my body "back". To have "back" what I used to would erase all of the wisdom and peace that injury allowed, and the body before my injury was not nearly as well-loved (although that's still a work in progress) and respected as this.

So what's this all about? What am I trying to say? I can't presume to know any one else's story or to know what's best for anyone but myself, but I can say this: movement is a powerful thing. How and how often you chose to express it is up to you, but know that like the time capsule it is (and our modern western unilinear notion of time is a bit of a buzzkill in this department), the body, like the clock, ticks forward. When I see elders on the mountain, it's then that I realize that the image of health isn't in the body, but in the respect we grant or deny it.

Reading other inspiring books, blogs and articles motivates me to believe that I am empowered and changed for having read them, but the real empowerment zone is the real-live space in which we make the choices that change us.

It's too easy for me to go back to my old ways, to work on getting my body "back into shape" after this long exercise hiatus. I don't want that. Before I got married, I made a promise to myself. I told myself that I would not deny myself any food or experience in order to change my body for my wedding day. I didn't and I think I looked pretty darn A-OK on my wedding day. Today, after (I admit) some digression from that promise, I am reclaiming that promise and rather than looking to change my body, I'm going to hand it back the reigns to tell me what it needs to be the best it can.

The empowerment zone is so easy to miss - and yes, it might seem like an esoteric concept - but it's exactly in those moments when we can chose to be better that measurable (yes, quantifiable and qualifiable for all you empiricists out there) empowerment happens. I think that, at times, empowerment means stepping away from a second piece of cake when you're already full, but in other cases, it means stepping toward it so that you can fully participate in life with some measure of self-love and self-trust, but having the requisite amount of trust in yourself to know which choice feels better. I'm taking that pledge to myself - not to build a better body - but to build a better self and to let my body be the expression of that, in the way that its wisdom sees fit. That doesn't mean that I won't push myself hard when occasion permits, but instead of working toward some archetypal way of eating or moving, I'm working toward an acrhetypal way of being me.

Any takers?

A Time Capsule

I seem to be having this conversation with so many of my beloveds lately. We ask ourselves how it can be that we thought we had to push our bodies to every unkind corner of discipline before realizing that it wasn't worth it.

My sister. A gifted and extremely well-trained runner.
My good friend. A long-time lifting afficionado.
My friend of a friend. Struggling to do things "right".
Me.

How is it that people who are able to give so much to others are hardly able to give to themselves? What possesses us to believe that there are certain and limited channels to expressing our fitness, our energy and our identities? And what (in heaven's freaking name) has compelled us to believe that we are somehow deserving of anything less than honour, respect and love?

I have a theory. Let me preface this by saying that all of my hypothesizing and contemplation is based on anecdotal stuff, but that my experiences of speaking with others on this topic lends some critical mass to its validity.

My body is a time capsule. Everything I do/don't do gets stored away in its memory. When I eat amazing food and surround myself with incredible people, it remembers and projects out a light that illuminates me from the inside out. When I criticize it and express my dislike for it - or worse, act on my disliking/criticism - it remembers. In fact, it's those repeated criticisms that led me to think that I had to work harder than anyone else in the gym, that I had to restrict myself further than anyone else with my food, that I had to withhold affection until certain performance and aesthetic metrics were met.
Well, like any time capsule, these memories and experiences have been dug up and seeing them now, on the surface, I understand why it is that my body asked - nay - demanded this injury. And though I did not have the courtesy to do so at the onset, I thank it now for dealing me a relatively good card, considering how mercilessly I used to push it.

Lots of us are into regimented training. Whether it's for a road race, competitive/university sports or just for the love of training hard. I think that's awesome, and one of the things I have learned over the years of lifting weights is that I needed to move beyond (silently) criticizing what other people do in the gym and just be really glad that people want to express themselves in an active way. I've moved from admiring the "fittest" looking people ("fit" by contemporary standards) to admiring the older population who swim, walk, lift weights, do tai chi, or whatever it is that keeps them alive and connected to their worlds.

So, when do we make the switch from kicking our own asses because we think we're somehow deficient (this blog may have just moved from family rating to PG) to working hard at what feels good because we deserve it?
At some point, I think that a lot of us realize that we are trying to change ourselves, not because it's a result of how we live and what we do, but because we're trying to make ourselves into something different - something better. Don't get me wrong, the quest to be better is fulfilling and often really constructive, but I think that we need to ask ourselves whether that change arises from a desire to be good to ourselves, or a desire to change a body and person that we feel is ultimately deficient or lacking in some way...

A good friend of mine has been working out at the gym for many years, and recently shared with me his realization that he was trying to heal his injuries in the same environment and culture where they were created. I can absolutely relate to this - it's no surprise that despite being a bit resentful about my injury at first, I felt sick to my stomach whenever I thought about running or lifting weights. I realized that regimented exercise just wasn't good for my health anymore. As my friend so eloquently put it:

"The gym has served me well. But my injuries are a result of having drunk too deeply of that culture, of having persisted in one mind set (and insufficiently different variations of it) for too long and in the face of counsel and protestations from my poor body.
Perhaps it is time to find...another vehicle"

It's so inspiring to see other people looking to more creative, vast and spontaneous venues - not to make their bodies look, feel or perform a certain way - but to express themselves on bikes, boats, swims, runs, through stretching or dancing - however they crave. Ultimately, the way we spend our moments is the way we spend our lives. I don't think I will ever be able to spend my moments doing things to force improvement on myself. I'm so heartbroken at the things I've put myself through in the past. I deprived my body of sleep, entire food groups, rest and expression. I just trained it. I didn't take it out to dinner, I didn't woo it with positive feedback and I don't think it would be entirely a stretch to say that I abused it. These are some of my greatest regrets, but with them comes a sense of fearlessness about all of the new things I can try. Certain foods and experiences feel new to me again. I am finally happy enough with the joy of swimming that I can float in the pool for 30 minutes, instead of lamenting how I look in a bathing suit. This doesn't mean that I don't love testing my limits in everything I do, but it's the intention that drives that desire that needed a fundamental makeover.

We all deserve the best of what we can give ourselves. If we really want to help other people see the genuine goodness in themselves; to lead meaningful and positive lives; to be the change we wish to see, I think that a good starting point is right here, right now, with ourselves.

I write this blog out of a love for writing and creative expression and not for publicity, marketing or even necessarily a response. I would normally not ask this, but because this post stirs immense emotion, passion and necessity, if this post has resonated with even a tiny voice in you, please leave a comment. Nothing generates energy within me than the realization that so many of us need to know that we aren't alone in thinking that we need to be better, look better and are somehow better for the process and outcome of those desires. But you know what? We need to work together. The crisis of our time, in our corner of the world starts at home, in our hearts, in how we treat and regard ourselves.

House passes landmark health bill - Patrick O'Connor - POLITICO.com

House passes landmark health bill - Patrick O'Connor - POLITICO.com

Not a "perfect" piece of policy legislation, but one that is a great reminder that (as Sam Cooke sang so beautifully) "A Change is Gonna Come". No policy is ever perfect, but one that honors the internationally mandated right to health care is not only long overdue, but a reminder that caring for all members of our communities means caring for their health.

Who are we, if not individuals recognized by those around us? And who of us could genuinely look another member of our community in the eye and say, "my right to health (and subsequently life) supersedes yours". It happens in less time than a synapse, that sometimes that member of your community is someone you love.. or maybe it's you.

There are some thing about this bill that will need fixing in time, but it's not about getting it perfect from the start, it's just about finally. getting. it. right.

I will do my best to remember March 21st: the day that being a woman stopped being a medical condition.

Half a Year of no Iron, no Running, and Some Ironing.

Today I got the news that I had stopped waiting for. I found out that 6 months of being physically inactive has activated something else. In other words, the stress fracture in my pubic ramus, just inches from the pubic symphasis is showing enough healing that I can begin rehab. I can also hop in the pool and start gradually and gently strengthening my body.

You know, I was ecstatic, euphoric and probably in a bit of shock and denial upon receiving this news, and yet, a small part of me feels something between sadness and reflection. I realize that I've learned to lead an incredible life without something that I thought I needed. This has been torturous at first, and then liberating. I have literally spent months ironing out the wrinkles in my spirit and I can say with some confidence that today's news brings me close to making one of my dreams come true. No, it's not to run a marathon, deadlift 300 lbs or reduce my jeans size. It's to live my life with flexibility in who I am and how I can express myself. Most importantly, it's to find fitness in my mind first, and then in my body.. Everything that I have learned in these past 5-6 months has made the journey meaningful. I'm surprised that I haven't already planned out my swim schedule for the week, and I'm grateful for it, even.

I feel incredibly emotional, almost as though I'm parting with an incredible friend who held my hand all throughout this experience, and yet I realize that what's happened is that I've finally come to love and respect myself, and that isn't going anywhere.

I'm writing in the plainest words I can, and yet the poetry in my soul is incredible. It's not a victory over injury, it's the authenticity of peace within myself that I'm celebrating today. It's the realization that even though I can, I'm not a better person, a more valuable member of society or even a more impressive body for being able to "do" activity.

What grows, evolves and becomes powerful within you when you retreat from physical needs is something that defies words. I cannot claim to have even touched it, but I've sensed its possibility, and it is remarkable. I'm going to maintain my morning routine of hot shower, reading, meditation and stretching and s l o w l y start to integrate some of the rehab and swimming that I'm now allowed, but I don't want to change any of the ways in which my life improved as a result of this healing process.

You know what the best part is? It's not the rehab or the swimming, it's that I made the most progress, healed the best and found the most significant confidence when I let my acceptance of my limitations flow through me like a babbling brook. When you stop resisting, you disempower the struggle. When you disempower the struggle, there can only be peace.

An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of Procrastination

It's convenient that being late has often been labeled something fashionable. In fact, I am so lacking in fashion that my tendency to be late (in the past) has compensated wholly for the fact that I may or may not have arrived at the party in a formal dress and sport sandals.

But you know, if being late is fashionable, then I've turned a lonnnnng corner and become..anything but.

What the heck am I talking about? I'm talking about something that I think requires university campus support groups. Something that is more rampant in university than alcoholism and debt. I'm talking about procrastination. In fact, I'm coming out as a recovering procrastinator!

Procrastination is soooo much more common than I ever believed. I've encountered it in some of the most accomplished people I know; and with good reason: perfectionists are procrastinators (and sometimes vice versa). These two aren't mutually exclusive, nor are they always lumped together, but chances are that someone you know and admire for being successful could be a procrastinator! Speaking from experience, the desire to do everything perfectly creates this vortex of pressure and the fear of doing something that is anything less than perfect (for example, writing an essay) prevents you from even trying. There's a lot more to it, but in the interest of keeping this simple, I'm just going to touch on the major issues I've identified in myself and others.

I wouldn't say that I'm 100% recovered from being a procrastinator, but I can certainly say with some confidence that I've largely tossed the habit. And it's just that. A habit. A habit that you come to practice so frequently and comfortably that it becomes tough to even approach the alternatives. It was only when I thought about procrastination in relation to my health that I realized how much it was hurting me!
Without trying to sound like a non-procrastinating evangelist and in no particular order, here are some of my thoughts on why procrastination hurts and how to ditch the habit..or at least start.

Guilty Conscience
Anyone who procrastinates can tell you that despite being able to deliver something just in time (no matter the quality of that project/item), the guilt that comes with procrastination is painful. In fact, I'd even equate it to the conversations characteristic of abusive relationships. I used to tell myself "next time it will be different" and it never was. Then I realized how much I sounded like an abused and abusive person. Busted.

Driven by the doing verses Driven by the getting it done
The process of doing something can be tedious. The result of being done can be exhilaration. Would you rather be exhausted or excited? I was usually both, before I started working toward making the process more fun, inspiring and inspired.
I realize now, looking back, that I've really shifted from being results-driven to being process-oriented and that is a result of two big changes in my life:
First, committing myself to doing things I love. When the going gets tough, I refer to pages in my journal or even strong thoughts in my mind that inspired my vision in the first place.
Second, a conscious effort to be more present in each moment. At 2am with 5 pages of essay left to write, why would I be heading to the NY Times page, or worse.. youtube? Catching myself in those moments and asking myself if I was happy with how I was passing those 10 minutes was a first step toward making the days, hours, minutes and moments count.
The biggest factor in learning to be more engaged in the doing rather than the getting it done has been a longing to do things for myself and not for others. When I was scrambling to finish papers and get things done, I realized that I was doing these things for other people. To impress, please and satisfy other people.
Tying it back to big change #1 (do what you love), sometimes we need to look at what we're doing and either do it differently (i.e. with my own self in mind) or do something different altogether (like move from work to school, or changing faculties).

In the Closet
Procrastination is something that most of us aren't comfortable discussing. It's socially and morally stigmatized and like others, I'm sure, I treated my procrastination like a habit to be kept undercover. Producing great work made me feel that the process was unimportant. All people needed to know was that I could get it done and get it done well. Looking back, I really think that "coming out" about my procrastination could have saved me a lot of heartache and physical suffering. The need to be perfect at school might not kill you (directly) but the need to achieve a certain perceived physical perfection might. Procrastinators might be selective, but perfectionists are not. Everything needs to be done "perfectly", and some things get done right away, while others sit on the backburner. As you can see, "perfect" relationships, bodies, GPAs, etc. create an impossible workload (and backlog) that just can't be sustained. My own struggles with this sort of thing ultimately forced me to drop out of university and learn how to take care of myself. Yes, that's right. LEARN!

The Tolerable Ten
Here are some neat strategies that you can use to to tackle things 10 minutes at a time. It makes you realize that you can put things together little by little if the task seems too daunting. Just putting in 10 minutes when you don't feel like it can really shift you into a good place. One of my favorite tricks is to make a retroactive check list. Make a list of everything you have to do and deconstruct every item into the smallest tasks possible. Then put down a few things you've already got done. Start by checking a few things off. It's such a great reminder that you are getting it done! Making tasks as micro as possible is a great way to start recognizing how big dreams, like big essays, start with small steps. Remember, if you try something new just once, you can do it twice, and if you can do it twice, you can do it for a lifetime.

When I injured my hip, I had to start thinking really seriously about what I needed to do all day, every day to get a great sleep. Because my sleep hours are the only time when my hip gets total rest, it is crucial to get as many hours and as serene a sleep as I can. I know what keeps me up at night. You know what keeps you up at night. I don't want to spend a moment of my night worrying about what I didn't do today or need to do tomorrow. Life is too beautiful to be caught up in the rush of being late. I really see procrastination as an obstacle to a better quality of life. It's ok if you procrastinate and it's ok to be late. Don't beat yourself up and definitely don't judge yourself! If, however, you feel (like I did) that it was starting to affect your whole being, maybe some of these ideas will help you on your own journey to being better to you.

By the way, I don't know about you, but my favorite form of procrastination has got to be drinking tea (please ignore accidental endorsement of pictured brand)!


Are you a procrastinator? With anything in particular?

Just Wish and Wait

I am a big believer in the laws of attraction. Most recently, I asked the universe to give me opportunities to learn more about myself, to practice stillness (and to value it), and to help me trust my body as the best expert on itself.

Well, ask and ye shall receive! If you please, a short story:

About a month ago, I began to have abnormal pains in my left hip. These were more than just the usual maintenance issues that all of us field hockey players face in the heart of the season.


I sought treatment and we identified a huge knot in my hip, which we tended to with ice, heat, release techniques and stretching. Although (with the help of our amazing athletic therapists) my range of motion got better, my pain and other symptoms were only getting worse. I could just intuitively feel that something other than a knot was going on. Finally, I saw the head therapist (though, not after a disastrous appointment with a chiropractor who simply did not value or listen to any of my account) who was able to find something a bit more structural and causal. I saw the sports medicine doctor the next day and had x-rays. Not more than 2 business days later, I'd had a bone scan and was back in to see the doc. (Just a side note: to everyone who thinks that public health care is always slow and inefficient, my experience has been nothing but the contrary).

As it turns out, I have a stress fracture in my hip that is causing all of this pain. Of all the possible diagnoses (torn cartilage, fracture of the femoral head) I actually got the best one! I was mentally prepared for the type of prognosis I got. In fact, reading through old posts below and in my journal, it seems that my mind and body almost predicted this. I have these fashion accessories for a week or two, since unloading some weight from my joints will really accelerate the healing process.


I am charged with absolutely no exercise or activity for 3 weeks, after which time we can re-evaluate and talk about the possibilities for some non-impact work. No strengthening or stress in the meantime. Ironically, anyone who has ever used crutches will tell you that they are both a little stressful and strenuous! :)

Interestingly enough, what would be ideal for me (once sufficient time and healing have occurred) would be yoga, swimming, possibly some cycling. Hmm, sounds a lot like what I had planned, even under assumptions of ideal health!

But let's get down to it, what does this period mean? Some of this can only be known as it comes, but if I can enter this period of healing with some considerations in mind, I think that my body might just emerge even stronger and more vibrant than before...

Can I begin to value stillness and calmness as I always have, movement and action?

Since I now have a small slot of idle time and energy that is not in use for sport, how would I like to use it?

What voices or needs have I been silencing, and how can I use those voices as guides to a more genuine life?

What can I offer to others through this experience?

How can I use injury as a pathway to developing otherwise dormant aspects of my identity?

Instead of boring you with my lonnnng responses to those questions, I offer you this list as a reference to use in times of radiance and injury alike. I plan to fill this time in my life with more journal writing, more time with Manski, more baking and cooking, more knitting, more sleeping, more meditation and more blogging! HA!

Introducing...

If you've ever taken a few moments to browse the links featured on the right-hand side of my blog, you will have come an across an amazing breadth of knowledge, humour, entertainment and information. Each of these links merits some further elaboration, but tonight I've endeavored to provide you with a short synopsis/rationale for some of my very favorites among the bunch:

Bill Hartman is the co-owner of I-FAST, alongside one of my mentors (and my strength coach) Mike Robertson. Bill obviously operates at a very advanced level, but his passion for pondering and postulating cool ideas related to corrective training make his writing a must for anyone who puts health at the top of their reasons for training.

Cassandra Forsythe's blog is required reading for anyone (especially women) seeking well-articulated and extremely accessible writing on the latest dietetic research, social and psychological studies on food. Cassandra is not only an incredible role model, but a newly published author of 2 books (one of which I will be reviewing in the near future) and a strong advocate of heavy lifting for health and confidence. Her research on low-carb/ketogenic diets and also on dietary intervention (using the fibre, glucomannan) is incredibly interesting and has immediate and fascinating implications for the real world. I can't say enough great things about her. She's as real as she is smart!

Chad Waterbury is an author and neurophysiologist/trainer whose ability to simplify training modality into amazing programs and understandable terms, has made him a favourite author of mine. His book Muscle Revolution is a great read for anyone who takes their training seriously enough to plan and periodize for specific goals. I had great success using his Total Body Training Program to transform my body a few years back.

Jonathan Fass is a young, energetic writer and CSCS whose blog discusses everything from social/cultural dialogues on fitness to corrective exercise methods. I particularly enjoy his brand of myth busting!

Lesson, Laments and Thought Experiments is for anyone who
a) Keeps a dictionary near by, and
b) Seeks something more philosophical and pondersome(punctuated with great laughs)in life.
Written by a close friend of mine, this blog is both anecdotal and outward-looking, and talks about training in a way that always reminds me that the human condition is such that nothing is ever seems enough, but to dispel that fallacy for yourself is to find a great liberation of the spirit! If nothing else, this is worth a click for the lexical stimuation!

Lina Augaitis is a high school friend of mine. Her graduate studies in Sport Psychology and her athletic gifts are incredible, but her work ethic and motivation are truly inspiring. Follow along, as she trains and blogs her world-class talent toward the most elite adventure/multi-sport events in the world! Besides being humble and focused, Lina's blog is an incredible example of how you cannot fail when you follow what's inside your heart.

Mike Robertson is a lot of things, and although I can think of many adjectives to describe him, the best of all is REAL. Mike is an accomplished competitive powerlifter, the co-owner of a brand new training facility, a distance coach, recognized author and an amazing guy. I've had the great fortune of working with him for 2 years, and in these two years, every dimension of my athleticism has improved by an order of magnitude. Mike is a true professional and stays true to his methods and ideas about holistic and purposeful training. You'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who gives so generously of his/her time as Mike to answer questions and disseminate information that he believes can make a difference for others.

Nate Green packs a lot of personality and success into his two-syllable name. At 23, he is the author of an upcoming book, as well as a contributing author to one of the internet's premier bodybuilding and fitness sites, and an entrepreneurial prodigy. Although he would credit the many resources and networking tools that he has at his disposal, his blog is an amazing compilation of personal and professional posts that will make you think twice about how you spend your money, time, energy...life. Although I may be guilty of bias (via friendship), I don't think anyone could argue that his clarity and hilarity make for a very distinct style of writing.

Vinkomorf is a site that features all manner of fitness/strength related discussions and operates primarily in French. My buddy, and Editor-in-Chief, Pat Gagnon (who I am hard pressed to believe ever sleeps) provides top-notch information and translations of many articles by top industry minds, as well as information on regional events such as seminars and talks by academics and industry folks, alike. Redacteur-en-chef Gagnon has been a great inspiration to me to believe in big ideas, as he successfully brought some of the top trainers from around the continent to Montreal last year for the first ever Vinkofest seminar!

When we next meet, I will continue down the list and share some of (what I consider to be) the most impressive recipe blogs and sites on the net! For all of you atomists out there, seeking maximum pleasure and health utility from your meals, the next post is definitely for you!

A Heart Full of...Grub.

In no particular order, the top 10 signs that you might just qualify as a "sporty" girl...

1) You own only 2 regular bras which you grudgingly wear to work. The balance of your lingerie is made by New Balance, Under Armour, Sugoi and Nike.

2) You lead the office in terms of daily trips to the loolee, outnumbered only by the number of trips made to refill your water bottle.

3) Your daily lunch consist of as many containers as most people use in a week.

4) You wear a heart rate monitor as a watch.

5) The emergency preparedness kit in the trunk of your vehicle includes: a foam roller, therabands, shin guards and your Mom's million kitchen design samples. (Find the intruder!)

6) You generally eat breakfast #1 before the sun comes up.

7) You eat more than one breakfast.

8) You own more tournament/technical/sports event t-shirts than you do purses, non-sporty shoes or fingers and toes.

9) You start to seek out increasingly hellish ways to make your training more intense. Examples include training in peak heat, uphill when possible and sans visual aid (as evidenced by Simmirathon's scar),

10) Although you wound't dare tell a soul, you can spend hours watching those horridly corny NBC sport specials. I particularly love the yearly IronMan edition.
Oops, I somehow slipped in to first person...

On a more serious note, getting back to training for athleticism instead of aesthetics has moved my life in such a positive direction in the past few months. I can scarcely explain how my attitude towards my body is beginning to shift and how my views regarding the mind-body connection (my own, at least) are evolving. I won't make any secret of my views regarding the figure/fitness industry and my concern that it is positioning unsustainably low body fat levels under the guise of the "healthy lifestyle" label. I have the utmost respect for the efforts and wishes of my friends who compete in these contests, but I fear for the scores of women who, looking at photoshopped pictures of Oxygen cover models, are considering figure contests as a means to an end. Looking around me, the people with the most fantastic physiques and healthiest glows are all the people who simply have a passion for healthy living, fresh air and an active lifestyle. I'd like to take this opportunity to say that is NOT what I noticed first about Dave.

(I think they believe me!)

Is there anything wrong with wanting to look good? Absolutely not! I feel the same occasional nose-wrinkling emotions about my own figure as any girl, but if my body is the most impressive thing about me, then my mind is in trouble. It took me a damn long time to appreciate my body for being a very accomodating vessel (even at times a little TOO accomodating) and a means to living, rather than simply existing.

One of my strongest motivations for pursuing the study of Nutrition is because I believe with all of my rate-monitored heart that eating local, natural, whole foods (including occasional treats) allows us to spend the 14 hours a day when we aren't eating or sleeping, at our best. Sometimes I think I'd like to work in conflict zones, or for the UN World Food Programme. Other times I think I could spend my days having a personal practice or working with elite athletes. There are also days when I know that I want to help people walk out of the darkness of disordered eating and into the light of day although more often than not, these situations call for counselling and behavioural change as a prelude to conquering eating issues. I know that conventional medicine is not my calling, but I am certain that there is a kind of comfort that I wish to explore and combine with the theoretical knowledge that I need to connect with others.

This post has turned into a huge foray in to randomland, but by suzie, I needed it!

I wish you all experimental salads and sun drenched evenings in these final few days of summer.

P.S No training today :D

What do you think? Should we let her back in to the sisterhood now that she's smartened up a bit? Who said she smartened up a bit? Alternate caption: My sisters who have loved me through thick and thin. And yes, I've been both thick and thin!

Moooo-urns.

For anyone else planning/hoping/praying/wishing for an MSc in Nutrition, I'd like to make to advise that you advertise with caution. Although I'm fresh out of logic (being that it's Friday) let's see if I can't develop the integrity of this suggestion...

Being a social scientist with a particular interest in the science and psychology of nutrition, I find myself often on the receiving end of questions about everything from "what's the difference between a carbohydrate and a carburetor" to "what should I eat if I want to look good?" I should also mention that everything from people watching on the bus to observing parent-child dynamics at the grocery store make me understand human cooperation (or lack thereof) in a way that is so much accessible than 97% of the meta theory and political philosophy I have studied in the past 4 years at school.

And yes, there is a reason why Dd (my oldest sister) praises my ability to express multiple ideas without so much as a punctuation markk.

I'm no RD, nor do I possess any certifiable expertise regarding food, but I can tell you that I've reached a point where I can comfortably generate a sense of someone's general bevahiours by looking at their lunch, or within the first 3 minutes of chatty cathying about food. The workplace is a social science goldmine for food and mood voyeurs (like me). My interest stems largely from having overcome some bad food habits of my own which were largely manifestations of my perfectionism and (restrospectively) unrealistic need to maintain some optimal state of leanness year-round. Being much more perfomance and uhm, 'ow you say, life-oriented, I'm now feeling much better, thanks for asking. Oh yeah, that small mortgage worth of counselling didn't hurt either.

In particular, I find that women often seem to develop these "moral codes" built entirely within a food-framework. I often find women almost defending their food choices around me. A lot of my beliefs around the morality thing come from repeatedly hearing phrases like:
"Oh, just so you know, I never normally eat X.."
"I just didn't have time to put together a lunch so I grabbed Y.."
"I probably won't eat the whole thing but.."
"I really watch my kcals.."
"I just needed something to Z..."
"I was bad today, I ate X.., I was good this weekend, I didn't eat much Y.."
(or worse) "Since I ate X this weekend, I starved on Sunday and did a 10 mile run with Rover, who mistakenly attacked my growling stomach, and then I did a detox and put imported Belgian cucumbers over my pressure points to channel the calories away from my thighs."
Hrmmm...

My knee-jerk reaction is always to wonder why people feel a need to justify their food choices to me (or others!). I would never judge someone based on their lunch, and in no way would I ever want people to feel as though my appreciation and modest knowledge of nutrition makes me the food police! The sighting of a police vehicle seems to elicit an involuntary spasm into model-citizen mode and sometimes my conversations with people about food are no different. I guess this ties a bit in to my wish to be seen as a balanced person, too. The same way I feel about not wanting people to feel self-conscious about eating a chocolate bar in front of me, I'd like people to know that despite not being witness to it, I do eat ice cream (and how!) and love to enjoy rich and sexy foods every now and then. I take pretty darn good care of my body in exchange for the volume of output I demand from it, so when I do enjoy a treat (and now that I am forever snobbified by having a pastry chef for a sister) I'm reaching for something boldly created with real and decadent ingredients. This is also how I rationalize a relentless appreciation for opulent goodies alongside my regular of making healthy food taste great. This is also why it's not a big deal to pass up store-bought cake with gritty buttercream frosting, or just save a piece to use as an adhesive for wallpapering.

Flourless chocolate hazlenut torte from Stubbe wilfully (and gleefully) enjoyed at Dd and Simon's anniversary last weekend

All this to say that I think we should all be at peace with our choices in life and know that judgment occurs in a vacuum. I really love eating fresh and healthfully because it makes me feel great and allows me to truly and guiltlessly enjoy celebrations and special meals without worring about how I'm going to keep Rover from growling back at my stomach...

(Oh! By the way, mainstream nutrition is FINALLY opening its eyes to that often ignored body of literature that favours a protein/carb mix over just fast carbs for endurance and recovery. Although plain milk was used in this study, you get the point. Please note that despite debunking myths built so dogmatically by the Gatorade Institute, this study was sponsored largely by the US National Dairy Council who probably tossed a pretty hefty chunk of change out for this research.)

You Don't Make Friends With Salad

"Obesity 'Contagious', Experts Say"
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6914397.stm

It blows my mind that this constitutes a "breakthrough" in science, according to some experts. On the matter of friends, one could easily posit a behaviouralist argument that individuals with similar lifestyles likely share similar habits, borne of similar behaviours, borne of similar thinking. I believe this is the same reason why any 2 people with an interest or past-time in common will often get along famously!

Another neglected factor is financial dependency. The dynamics in relationships often shift the balace of power in favour of the individual with the greater purchasing power of the two. In the case of spouses, or children, it is simply a matter of consuming whatever is provided, regardless of its nutritional value.
In the case of kiddies, routinely eating unhealthy foods could condition any child to develop a sense of normalcy (regarding food) that is entirely based on their experiences growing up.

There is an incredible sense of social divide between those who lead active, healthy lifestyles and those who don't (but perhaps endeavor to) and further this latter group becomes marginalized, the more it actually will perpetuate the myth of obeisity as an "epidemic."

Having said this, I'm now switching my grim-reaper hat for a much more fashionable optimist hat to share that one of my best friends works for the BC Provincial Government on policy and implementation of healthy food programs in communities and schools... hoorah!