"They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,'come down now,' but we'll stay..."
- The Postal Service, "Such Great Heights"
Wilcox Pass, Jasper National Park
Fancy gear does not a hiker make, but a sense of awe and respect for the mighty, majestic and mountainous will get you far (in terms of enjoyment, elevation and mileage). I used to think that, like everything else in life, I was no good at hiking because I had never done it - not exactly rocket science, but I've always been comfortable doing the things that express my best, but this attitude really limited me and limited the experiences possible for me. Over time, I realized something a lot more important: like anything else (sports, school, cooking, photography, etc.) what makes a "good" X is love. People who make it up the mountain rely on a certain requisite degree of fitness, but it's love for the process that gets you up the mountain. At the end of the day, I don't want to climb that mountain unless I'm climbing it with some measure of love and joy.
(Side note: these photos are not an entirely random selection. We spent this past weekend in Jasper National Park, hiking and camping in some of the most spectacular panorama you can imagine.)
Near the summit of Wilcox Peak, Jasper National Park
I realize now that I've been this way about so many things in my life. I always thought past the present, and visualized how happy I would be when I got to that body-destination. I thought about how great life would be when I achieved a certain level of athleticism/aesthetic appeal/level of education. I can see now how I managed to squander away the joy in so many journeys by focusing on Point B. It's just too easy.
I used to put conditions on my happiness. "I'll be happy when I look like ___" or "I'll be happy when I get ___% on my paper"- type of thinking really ruled my state of mind and life for a while. It wasn't a switch that went on (or off), or even any kind of realization, but just a slow, gentle push toward loving myself and respecting my need for a purposeful life that has nudged me out of this outcome-based thinking. Do I have goals? Sure. But I really feel like the things that I aspire to grow out of a love for certain activities. For instance, I really want to be able to XC-ski and snowshoe regularly this upcoming winter and be healthy/fit enough do a backpacking trip next year, but those are things that I can work toward with joy in my heart. I want to finish my M.A in under 2 years, which is something I can do with enthusiasm (fear, anxiety and exhaustion).
It's so funny to think that at the time when I was most torn, bruised and tormented on the inside, people seemed to think that I was perfect. I worked so hard to maintain that image and though I genuinely did work hard (maybe too hard), and that's the point - it was work. As I sorted through a lot of these questions and issues, I decided that I didn't want to be valued for being infallible or disciplined, I wanted to be loved and respected for being gentle and fierce in pursuit of my own models of justice, work and love. I realized that by hardening myself and working to make myself better (better being a destination that I couldn't realize until I got to point B), no one would ever come to me for advice, confide in me or trust that I could understand their feelings. Because I never wanted to show weakness, fear or uncertainty, I closed myself off from ever appearing to need support. Then, when I needed it, it came as a shock and surprise to everyone that I had been so unsure of myself all along.
The best thing that has come out of the dark times that followed is that I feel real. I feel unsure. I feel excited. I feel blessed and grateful. I feel fat some days. I feel lucky. I feel stupid and smart (sometimes all at once) and I feel confused. It's because I can feel those things now (denial and fear of one's self are amazing emotional anaesthetics) that I can finally talk, give and receive with others in these discussions. Having people to talk to about real problems, real concerns, real happiness and real life is worth the risk we take when are open to our truths. I really think that this is a necessary step and condition to fulfil in order to see the changes we crave in our lives and to cultivate a culture of knowledge that stems from honesty and truth-oriented living rather than from fixed models of perfection. I know, sounds utopian, but I'm an unapologetic optimist.
What a refreshing lack of self-consciousness: these guys have no problem eating and pooping in front of us.
Don't even get me started on the water metaphors (Malign Canyon, Jasper National Park)
It's so true that, using the mean machine of comparison, "everything looks perfect from far away", which is why sometimes you need to get closer, you need to get scared, you need to go where you think you aren't ready to go and to look things/people/places and revel in their imperfection. That, after all, is the one thing we all have in common.
Why do we make it so hard for ourselves to be real? Any thoughts?
5 comments:
I love the photos, and I have just added a new place to the ever-growing wish-list of places to visit.
I don't know the "WHY", but I certainly understand the desire/need to push to a destination - the desire to get to X, only to discover that said 'arrival' did not bring relief, happiness, a sense of satisfaction or joy. Usually, quite the opposite, because then there has to be the 'next' X, the next destination, maybe because we are working toward that elusive destination out of fear rather than out of joy, passion or inspiration.
I think finding that joy, passion and inspiration can open us up and make us vulnerable, just as asking people for support, talking about our struggles and being open and honest.
I'm not sure why it's so hard to be open. I know that I still struggle with it, although I have achieved a great amount of transparency and openness with many people who are close to me (and even with those who are not). I don't feel the need to apologize for myself anymore, and THAT has made all the difference for me.
As always, your posts really hit home with me...I too put conditions on my happiness. Just this morning I thought, I could really be having a great time in DC if only it wasn't so hot. Maybe I'll be happier when the sun goes down. So ridiculous, right?!
I really have no idea why we make it so hard for ourselves to be real. Maybe I don't think people would like the real me? The funny thing is that I am way more real on my blog than I am with some of my friends. Oddly enough I find it easier to tell strangers things I can't tell people I actually know.
Beautiful photo of you Jaya! And can I just add how happy I am for you that you and your sisters get along so well? Thank God for my brother but my sister is another story altogether.
Kristina - that's a really astute distinction between realness and transparency. I totally agree that (to paraphrase something I heard recently) we all deserve to be so full of ourselves that our cup runneth over with enough to give to others of ourselves. I think that's a lot like the age-old discourse in sports psych/sociology about women struggling to take ownership of their strength. It's awesome/inspiring that you are comfortable with yours :)
Ameena, I know what you mean about being real on the blog. Something about the power of the written word. I swear, sometimes I sit down to type and then my eyes turn blank and some spirit enters my typing fingers and keeps them true to me. I guess the people who love us most are also most comfortable judging us (but that's a two-way street, too)!
First of all, I really love that song, and I also like the cover version by Iron and Wine. Have you heard that one? It's slower and more mellow...very pretty.
This was a very thought provoking post.
I honestly don't know if I would know how to be happy if happiness came and hit me in the face. I put conditions on my happiness too, but it never works out the way I plan. No matter what I "accomplish" (ie: I'll be happy once I graduate, I'll be happy once I get used to my new job, I'll be happy once I get to my happy weight) it never changes my mood and outlook like I think it will. I've had depression for as long as I can remember, and I really think that I need to "learn" how to be happy, as strange as that sounds.
As far as being real, I agree with Ameena...I am more real on my blog than I am in real life. Even in my writing, I still hold back...because it is in my nature I guess. But I've written about things that my real life friends know nothing about. I guess it is easier to be real with strangers, because if they are judging me, then at least I can console myself with the fact that they are complete strangers. Also, I've gotten a sense of comfort in the blogging community because everyone seems so down to earth and a lot of people are really receptive and understanding. I feel really close to people that I've never met.
As for real life, I don't know why I can't be real. I'm hoping that one day that will all change, but time will tell, I guess.
Wow, I am absolutely humbled and floored by the awesome and profound comments on this post!
She's A Runner - I have heard the Iron and Wine version and thank you for establishing that there are in fact 2 awesome versions of this song. As far as happiness goes, you seem to have a great sense of self-awareness, so I really do believe that you have it in you to follow that awareness toward happiness. Maybe it's not happening this second, but your comment here (and your blog) are evidence that you are making space for it, and it's on it's way :)
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