(Please excuse this foray into unstandardized font territory. I'm embarrassed to admit how much of this morning I have spent trying to work it out before conceding to the font powers that be.)
I just realized that I may have failed to report that I'm starting grad school in about 3 weeks.
3 weeks.
People tell me all the time that if you've worked hard enough to make it to grad school, you will surely make it through grad school. Ok, fair enough. I've been feeling ultra-confident and uber excited about the whole thing, but there's nothing that will punch a hole in that momentum faster than a browsing some course outlines. I should specify that I'm doing my MA in sociology, but I come from a political science background. I did my BA in poli sci, but one sociology elective in my final year of undergrad swayed me toward my fate. I took a course in Cultural Studies with an amazing young professor, and I couldn't deny that the way of thinking, doing and creating sociology just felt right to me. Every subsequent course I took in sociology - and indeed, I just finished 2 years of pre-requisites before being eligible to apply to grad school in this field - has been exciting and energizing. So I'm coming to this as someone with unadulterated love for the field, driven mostly by the energy and excitement that I feel in every subsequent paper I am assigned. It is not an exaggeration to say that I have an endless stream of research and essay ideas and that I feel I could happily devote my life to writing them. I believe that's what's referred to as a career of academia, but I'm not ready to give this feeling any lexical boundaries yet.
I wondered if my applications to MA programs would succeed in spite of my background, but as one very gracious program chair pointed out, my applications would succeed because of it. I got accepted to both universities, and with some (uncharacteristically modest) struggle, I chose the one in my city. Now that the dawn is upon me, I can't help but start to feel that imposter syndome creep up on me a little bit. And if you aren't familiar with imposter syndrome, here is a very brief (wikipedia) synopsis.
But you know what? This sense of apprehension and fear is what reminds me that I'm doing the right thing. I'm just not content to let my ideas and potential sit on a shelf. Doing a thesis means owning your ideas (and why would funders want to, if you don't?!), giving them a form and expression and standing by the issues/topics that you deem worthy of inquiry. There are moments when I think that it would be easier to just get a traditional job (and I've had a few of those - jobs and moments), but I have never wanted to take the easy route, if it meant skipping some of the good scenery. I want to be scared. It doesn't make me less sure that I'm doing the right thing; it makes me more certain that I'm doing something worthwhile.
The last time I felt this way was just before I moved out west and I was preparing for training camp. But all of the best things in my life (relationships, school, sports, etc) have, at some point, elicited this slight fear of inadequacy. Sometimes the only way to quash that fear is to prove yourself wrong. A good/wise friend of mine reminds me routinely that we are all capable of leading great lives, but only once we are ready to own up to our power. In the meantime, I'm just listening to lots of great music (the new Arcade Fire album and the Black Keys, among other things) and starting to grease the intellectual wheels of my atrophied brain.
Holler if you've ever been scared to take a step that you knew risked resulting in the amazing...
11 comments:
Oh my gosh Jaya, I have the imposter syndrome! I had no idea such a thing existed but I clicked on your link and there it was in black and white.
I have no self-confidence so I can see why I have the syndrome but you my friend are so obviously well-read and full of kindness, determination, and motivation. I know that you will succeed with flying colors.
By the way, I want to be scared too...so that I can succeed at something big! I am pondering my own career situation and I will use your words as my motivation to do something that I can hopefully work up the nerve to do.
Total relate to the impostor syndrome! However, I've definitely come a long way and can actually enjoy and acknowledge the 'success' in my life.
Also, good luck as you embark on your grad school career! I have to say that I'm a bit envious of people that head back to school. On occasion, I think that I would love to get another degree, to experience again the challenge of thinking about and discussing complex issues rather than teaching the imperfect subjunctive to high school kids!
So, I can't wait to hear about your grad school experience. Good luck!
I can't say I'm surprised that either of you identified with Imposter Syndrome, because every amazing woman I know seems to!
I'm getting better at owning up to my achievements, but it's amazing how readily I can own up to my flaws. Huh.
Kristina, so glad you're back!
Ameena, pictures from Banff on the way!
First of all, I have read your blog for some time now, and I think you write beautifully.
I never knew that there was such a term as the impostor syndrome. I had that acutely in my first year of university and it was mainly the reason why I didn't do well in university overall. I especially felt this because I got in with the second round of admissions i.e., june (not the early admissions round.) I felt that I wasn't meant to be there.
However, that's all in the past. I want to feel strong not just so that I can achieve a goal, such as finding a job, but because the feeling of being able and of realizing one's power is happiness. I hope that makes sense.
Anonymous, thank you so much for your comment - it makes perfect sense to me and I too hope that, as a community, we can help each other realize our own power and happiness. I don't think it's something we need to do alone...I certainly didn't!
Let's make a deal to do one scary thing, as a start?
I am not sure if I have Impostor syndrome, but per Wikipedia, I am at a high risk. I think you are a great writer!!
I am in grad school. There's just one way to pacify yourself, by saying, "this too shall pass".
Jaya, you are so intelligent, confident and you have so much to offer. I don't even think you realize it!
You are not an imposter. Going to grad school...your effort and wisdom is why you get in and why you can/will do well.
I am in awe of your journey. Stunning.
I don't know about the "wise" friend thing. I'll take "good" though :)
You're not an im-poseur. You just don't realize how far you've come. Bear in mind that where you are in your life mentally, intellectually, spiritually and, yes, even physically was not handed to you, you didn't just fall into it.
You work, bled, broke and cried to make your way there (I can supply reminders, should you need them).
You've come to this point in your life honestly, you've earned it.
It is not that you know what awaits you - you do not.
It is not that your grasp of the fundamentals of the subject matter is so profound that graduate studies will be a breeze - this is not the case either.
You have confronted and been backed up against a wall by some pretty significant challenges and in deciding that you needed to deal with them, instead of caving in, you found the tools, honed, refined the tools that you needed to solve some big problems.
Problems. Tools. Problem solving. Problem solving skills.
This is what you know, because this is what you've spent the past several years working and it is this, these tools and skill, that will get you through.
There's nothing fake about that.
Between your admissions app and the rest of it, I need one largish footnote somewhere :)
You are incredibly intelligent and you write so beautifully. I know that you will succeed at whatever you do- and this graduate program seems like a perfect fit for you. You seem generally interested and passionate about it, and I think that is amazing.
I think I have imposter syndrome myself, so I can certainly relate. I think I have had it my entire life. I've always done well in school, but I was the type of kid who would hide my good grades from my parents because I didn't want them to be "fooled" into thinking I was smart when I knew I really wasn't- I was just an imposter. I've gotten better at this, but it is still in my head. I'm working on my second degree and I am quite terrified. Try to remember that you have worked hard for your accomplishments and that you are such a strong, smart person. You should be very proud of yourself!
Jaya, I have been challenging myself more lately, and doing things that I would normally be scared of. Thanks for providing further motivation. The feeling of being surrounded is so important for being able to pass on optimism to others.
I recently heard Sheryl Crow's "Soak Up the Sun" for the first time and I think that's how I feel. Enjoy the rest of your summer!
Congrats on Grad School! I (think) I would love to go back to school and just continue with research and writing and academaia...but then I think that's more structured as well really...and there's no way in heck I could ever afford since I'm over a hundred grand in debt :(.
But I digress - are you studying out West then? You will do wonderfully.
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